BUSINESS WEEKLY: 20 QUESTIONS WITH CEO GREG MAJOR

Marie: Greetings Mr. Major! How are you today?
Greg: Please, call me Greg. I'm fine.

Marie: Excellent! Let's start with the question that's on everyone's mind - how can your company profit by producing human clones when congress has passed laws prohibiting the technology?
Greg: I'm not aware of any such laws. Everything we do at JHL is perfectly legal and moral. We're simply providing an affordable, well-designed product to an eager public.

Marie: You claim you're not aware of these laws, however, you and your company are large contributors to the Flesh Ribbons Campaign which raises funds and lobbys lawmakers to revoke the very same anti-cloning laws you claim you're not aware of. How are we supposed to believe that's possible?
Greg: The Flesh Ribbons Campaign, a non-profit organization founded in Mr. Ribbons memory, is fighting to give Dr. Janice Willheim-Stokes, an associate of mine, the opportunity to continue her research and create a clone of Flesh [Ribbons]. She is trying to create a new Flesh [Ribbons]. JHL is merely duplicating and, in some cases, modifying proprietary cultures to produce usable clones that may be sold on the open market. It's very different.

Marie: But you both clone humans, right?
Greg: She's fighting for the right to create a new human. We duplicate humans.

Marie: Isn't that the same thing?
Greg: No.

ED: At this point in the interview a large, hairy man referred to by Mr. Major as "Chee" appeared. He was flanked on each side by what appeared to be two JHL-brand clones equipped with bullet-proof endoskeletons and large bulges under their long coats.

Marie: Okay, moving on now! Where do you see JHL in the next 6 months? One year?
Greg: We have a number of exciting new models in the works. Our dedication to bringing new products to market as quickly as possible without sacrificing quality is a reality. As for the company itself, we're seeing strong fiscal growth now and there's no reason to believe it will not continue into the forseeable future.

Marie: So the recent legal battle with the Fair Cloning Coalition hasn't hampered your ability to show a profit?
Greg: Not in the least. In fact, the additional press has actually boosted our sales. We couldn't be happier. Nice kittie! Would you like a flashlight? Correct me if I'm wrong, but is that a lemur you're wearing?

Marie: Excuse me... Mr. Major? Are you okay?
Greg: What?

Marie: You mentioned something about a kitten and a flashlight. Are you okay? Can I get you anything?
Greg: No. We're all fine, thanks.

Marie: Doesn't JHL see a conflict of interest regarding Primary Functional Representative Dave Abbott's involvement with both Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited and Joel's Head Laboratories? Isn't he sort of "playing both sides"?
Greg: [no response]

Marie: There have been rumors of an Initial Public Offering in JHL's future. Do you see a time when JHL is a publicly traded company? If so, when?
Greg: We're not ruling it out, but we're not focusing on it at this time. If and when the time is right to share the company with the public, we'll proceed, however, I can't comment on if and when that time may be.

Marie: Fair enough. There's quite a bit of controversy surrounding your recent model JHL-0199-G "Gigolo" product. How do you respond to the claims that the product represents an ever-declining and immoral society where sex is the number one cash crop and even our most highly regarded institutions of commerce are willing to whore themselves for the almighty dollar?
Greg: Frankly, I'm offended. That particular model costs well over $100,000.

Marie: Some human rights activists are outraged at JHL's activities. They claim that JHL's blatant disregard of federal law and even the most basic of human rights must be stopped at all costs. How do you respond?
Greg: What do human rights have to do with anything we do? We make clones, Marie. Not humans.

Marie: Errr... isn't it the same thi... oh, nevermind. Some people have asked why JHL doesn't user the technology they've created produce replacement organs for sick and dying people. Thoughts?
Greg: There's only so much one company can give. Besides, JHL-brand organs are proprietary and transplanting them into non-JHL tissue bases would compromise our market position.

Marie: Speaking of proprietary issues, where did JHL get it's samples?
Greg: Our samples came from an individual named, rather appropriately, Joel. It was the first DNA that we encountered that could be manipulated without diosynchronatic helix manipulation in the Trimbulatic region. It was wonderful and quite a rare discovery.

Marie: Diosynchonatic manipulation? What does all that mean?
Greg: In layman's terms, his was the first DNA that we found that was basically so, ahem, shall we say "imperfect" that we didn't need to concern ourselves with maintaining its integrity in subsequent clones. As our marketing department likes to put it, "It's what makes each clone unique!"

Marie: So what you're saying is that they're not exact duplicates?
Greg: On average, over 99.4% of each JHL-brand clone is exactly the same. The remainder is, in general, unique to the clone. Most are well over 99.98% the same. Except for about 5-6% which aren't at all alike except for the 72.4% they all share. The rest are segregated for other uses. We use a very advanced testing procedure to determine which is which.

ED: Business Weekly questioned Mr. Major's response to the answer given above.Subsequent phone calls to Mr. Major to inquire further were denied.

Marie: What exactly are the "other uses"?
Greg: Our Quality Assurance department normally disassembles those specimens to determine what the cause of the defect was. It could be a manufacturing defect. It could be a problem with our suppliers. It's important to disect the problem, literally, to determine the cause and correct it as soon as possible. It's what makes ours such a high-quality product.

Marie: I see... let's talk about you for a minute. What makes you tick?
Greg: I'm a pretty normal guy with a pretty average life. I spend most of my days down at the lab, but I enjoy the occasional vacation with my wife and daughter. We just bought a house, you know. Nothing very glamorous.

Marie: Some estimates put your net worth at over $73.9 billion dollars. That doesn't sound ordinary to me.
Greg: Most of it is invested in JHL. The rest is in rare coins and mutual funds. A small life insurance policy and other little investments round out the portfolio.

Marie: How do you respond to accusations that...
Greg: I'm sorry, Marie. That's 20 and our time is up. My favorite ice cream is Ben & Jerry's "Phish Food", my favorite color is yellow, I enjoy photography, music, and working around the house.

Marie: Uh, thank you for your time, Mr. Major.
Greg: The pleasure was mine. Good day.