THE FLESH RIBBONS CAMPAIGN
Flesh Ribbons, a record breaking weightlifter and early contributor
to Mandelbrot's Fractal-Cloning Theorem, was also well versed in mathematics,
literature, philosophy, and disco.
A MAN - A HERO
Born to prominent Swedish/German opera-folk singers, it appeared
as though Flesh would be blessed in life. Helga and Sven Ribbons,
having grown tired of the constant demands of underworked, highly-paid
opera stars, immigrated into the United States in the 1920's with
their newborn son. Weighing in at a robust 18 pounds at only three
weeks, Flesh immediately took on the rotund appearance of his father,
a fact that would draw them very close through Flesh's early years.
Flesh was a prodigal child. In the early 1930's, at the age of twelve,
he perfected his first theorem while studying under Dr. Edgar Brown,
a professor of physics at Massachusetts A&M. Flesh faced fantastic,
frantic fanfare from the physics forefront; frankly, a facet of fame
formerly foreign to him. The next seven years would prove quite fruitful
for him, as he disproved almost two dozen of Dr. Brown's hypotheses
while still finding time to create theories of his own.
The elitist physics circles in which he traveled would soon overwhelm
Flesh, however, as his peers were beginning to envy his new found
fame. An abusive homosexual relationship with Dr. Brown only fueled
his raging opium addiction (a condition common to the playboy lifestyle
that accompanied hard sciences of the period). With the help of a
"tough love" intervention from remaining friends, Flesh
soon came to understand that his mind and body were paying the price
for an out-of-control lifestyle. So, at the ripe age of twenty-two,
he left MAM to pursue his true passion... weightlifting.
Having kicked his opium addiction, Flesh began training for his new
career in weightlifting. Over time, Flesh became a brilliant weightlifter.
He broke more than nineteen world records in three years, making him
the most respected and decorated weightlifter who also happened to be
an ex-physicist. Tragedy struck, however, when during a training exercise
for the American Olympic Team, Flesh suffered a brain aneurysm and died
instantantly. His body was rushed to St. Luke Children's Hospital where
it was frozen in liquid helium and carefully stored. Scientists hoped
that, one day, Flesh could be revived for the betterment of human kind.
His body remained untouched for nearly a half century.
FLESH BELOVED
Flesh's lavish funeral was attended by the brightest physicists and
weightlifters of the era. A global prayer was offered and more than
120 million people gave five minutes of silence for the greatest weighlifting
physicist that ever lived. The world had clearly lost "one of
the great ones".
Sven and Helga Ribbons took the next 15 years of their lives to grieve
Flesh's death. Eventually they learned to live with his death and
they finally found meaning in their lives when they opened the "Flesh
Ribbons Center for Ingrown Hair Patients". They were killed a
few years later when a dual-prop seaplane made an emergency landing
in their living room.
A RENAISSANCE
In the early 1970's, with revenue from James Bond movies at an all-time
high, the movement to revive Flesh finally began in earnest. Grant
money poured in to universities who were not working on more important
matters like the national energy crisis and a cure for genital herpes.
A brilliant young scientist by the name of Dr. Janice Willheim-Stokes
discovered Flesh when taking inventory of one of the MAM storerooms.
Intrigued by the possibility of creating an exact copy of Mr. Ribbons,
Dr. Willheim-Stokes petitioned Congress and private industry for funding
to accomplish just that.
Her labors were fruitful, indeed.
With a startup budget of 1.2 billion dollars, the most money ever
allocated to a single scientist, Dr. Willheim-Stokes set out on a
quest that would see her circumnavigate the globe, attend month long
think-tank sessions on the most remote islands of the tropical Pacific,
and purchase state-of-the-art equipment costing hundreds of millions
of dollars. Only 15 years later (when Congress began asking for results)
would she stop embezzling the money and actually start working on
the project.
In 1982, after more than 40 years of Flesh remaining in hibernation,
Dr. Willheim-Stokes finally achieved her goal. Flesh II was jolted
to life in a cold, lonely hospital room on January 21 at 9:01 am.
He would live a total of forty-two minutes before suffering a slow,
painful, lingering death. Every single major organ in his shivering
body began shutting down independently before his brain finally gave
up by exploding in an orgy of blood and gray matter.
Dr. Willheim-Stokes would not be deterred. She grew one hundred
and twelve individual clones of Flesh Ribbons over the next 9 years.
Each one suffering the exact same demise before she realized her mistake.
By providing a positive atmosphere of oxygen, Flesh
CXIV jolted to life on April 27, 1991, at 4:44pm and didn't self-destruct.
In fact, he became quite adjusted to everyday life of hopeless pleading
for his own death. He spent his days moaning and staring blankly at
a television set programmed to loop reruns of "the Facts of Life".
He would almost smile as his diet of blanched, pureed vegetables was
delivered via the plastic tube implanted directly into his stomach.
Few would argue that Flesh CXIV was living the good life.
TRAGEDY STRIKES AGAIN
In 1998, Congress approved its Anti-Cloning Law. Since there was
no clause for grandfathering, Dr. Willheim-Stokes' budget was revoked
and she was forced to pull the plug on Flesh CXIV (resulting, naturally,
in the accustomed Flesh brain explosion). It was a very painful day
for the good doctor and a tragedy for humankind.
THE FUTURE
Her quest is not over, however. Cloning science must be allowed to
progress! How else, then, can a corrupt government be empowered to
create a race of cyber-soldiers intent on eliminating all non-democratic
life on the planet? How else can "designer gene" conglomerates be
expected to make trillions of dollars creating human life as if it
were an order for "a hamburger and fries" at the local fast-food joint?
How else can we remove unwanted birth defects and cosmetic attributes
from our newborn babies, thus creating a race of human lookalikes
who spawn malformed children of their own and eventually cause the
human race to flounder and die, due to the lack of unique gene permutations
required for procreation?
Join Dr. Willheim-Stokes and the Global Pro-Cloning Consortium by
prominently placing the image shown above on your web page. Give the
gift of regeneration! Write to your congressman!! Dr. Willheim-Stokes,
Flesh, and the rest of the world are all depending on you.
(Use the form below to automatically send an email in support of
Anti-Anti-Cloning)
