JHL SUBMITS ITS REPLY TO IHL ACCUSATIONS

Early on Tuesday, June 8th, 1999 the JHL board of directors received an indictment from State Supreme Court Justice Thomas R. Phillips (aka: "Tom Cat" to his friends at JHL) to appear before him regarding accusations of (in his words) "technology theftery" and "pixel burglary hoobajoo" by Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited.

Based on these accusations, JHL has launched a full 1/2 hour internal investigation. We are not only confident that we will be cleared of any wrong doing, but we are also preparing a counter-suit against IRU for theft of intellectual property and defamation of character. We are also considering pursuing copyright infringement and patent violation suits.

THE IRU INJUNCTION NEWS RELEASE

Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited Files Preliminary Injunction Against Joel's Head Laboratories

TEXAS, June 8 /PRNewswire/ -- State Supreme Court Chief Justice Thomas R. Phillips will hold a hearing beginning tomorrow June 9, 1999 at 9:30 a.m. to determine whether he should issue a preliminary injunction against Joel's Head Laboratories (JHL) for obtaining, under false pretense of corporate merger, trade secrets from Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited (IRU).

In a very controversial move, on January 25, 1999 IRU decided to postpone the release of their latest technology, code-named "Joel DiCaprio", in order to leverage their stance in the JHL/IRU merger. This move was allegedly not only condoned by JHL, but required as stated in the preliminary merger agreement. I guess we know why! On June 4, 1999, JHL released "Joel's Head #42-774" which IRU contends utilized confidential information gathered from the agreement.

IRU's Legal Department recommends that JHL be prohibited to make publicly available any technology based on IRU concepts and copyright, regardless of state of release. IRU further recommends that all pending JHL releases be reviewed by a third party auditing firm agreed upon by both parties.

IRU CEO Dave Abbott, who also sits on the JHL Board of Directors, has been accused of blatant conflict of interest by other members of the cloning community.

Abbott was quoted as saying, "We [IRU] consider this to be a flagrant backstabbing abuse of trust by our supposed ally [JHL]. I hope they burn in hell!"

JHL Primary Functional Representative and Director of Fuzzy Things, Dave, rebutted, "You know, he's got a really good point. I hope we burn in hell."

IRU has elected to delay release of their product until a mutually beneficial resolution has been reached. Sources near both companies have been quoted as saying in a highly sarcastic tone, "Yeah, that's gonna happen."

The lawyers for the petitioners bringing the action are the Puerto Rican Legal Defense and Education Fund, the NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, Mark McGuire, the Flesh Ribbons Society for Anti-Anti-Cloning, the Center for Constitutional Rights, the Texas Civil Liberties Union, the Asian American Legal Defense and Educational Fund and the American Jewish Congress. They will begin casework pending really important Quake2 related matters.

SOURCE Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited Legal Team

THE JHL NEWS RELEASE

Joels Head Laboratories Files Counter Suit In Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited Case

TEXAS, June 8 /PRNewswire/ -- In response to the June 8th suit filed by Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited (IRU), Joel's Head Laboratories has filed a theft of intellectual property and defamation of character counter-suit against IRU. The JHL board of directors approved the action 8-1 this morning in a secret vote.

When asked for a comment on the secret vote, JHL's Vice President of Jolly Good Fun and Marketing, Mike Kuhns stated, "Damn! I didn't even know we [the JHL board of directors] were voting, but it's cool... I guess. Greg [Major] does this kind of crap all the time. I suppose he knows what he's doing. I just hope this whole court thing doesn't run over in to my vacation [to the Southern Pacific] in July. That would be a real bummer, man!"

JHL's legal defense team refused to comment on the grounds of the counter-suit stating, "They [IRU] know what they've done and they know they're gonna have to pay. Tolerance is not an option here."

Industry analysts have speculated this is the natural result of the overwhelming fiscal and technological advantage that Joel's Head Laboratories has over its competitors. They also expect that, if IRU's litigation is successful, a number of companys may follow their lead.

JHL's Vice President of Difficult Stuff and Non-Addictive Pain Killers, Greg Major stated, "I'm not really suprised by all this. Head cloning is a very competitive industry and this upstart company [IRU] is most likely just trying to cash in the easy way. You can't run a company this size and not be a target for the little guy looking to make a quick buck. Just ask my friend Billy [Gates]!"

Newly appointed legal defense manager Sammy Sosa of the Chicaco Cubs and "friendly rival" of IRU legal team member Mark McGuire stated, "I've been looking for a way to get that bastard [Mark McGuire] where it hurts! That muscle-bound kitten spanker [Mark McGuire?] may be able to hit the long ball, but he'll fall apart on the stand! I'll cross-examine his butt all the way from coast-to-coast, baby. YEAH!"

Legal analysts who have been following the case suspect that JHL may have a trump card up their sleeve.

"I've heard from insiders that the original was actually volunteered free-of-charge to the JHL staff by the CEO [Dave Abbott] himself! If that's true, IRU doesn't have a leg to stand on. This case will be thrown out for sure." -- J. Cochran, Lawyer

Joel's Head Laboratory executives also expressed concern over the involvement of The Flesh Ribbons Anti-Anti Cloning organization.

When asked about the involvement of the Flesh Ribbons Campaign in IRU's legal defense, Kelly Tice, JHL's Northern Operations Chief and Foamy Shaving Cream Comptroller exclaimed, "I can't believe they would have the nerve to involve that The [Flesh] Ribbons [Anti-Anti Cloning] organization! Flesh was an amazing man and their participation in this petty, frivolous litigation only soils his name and the reputation of the [Flesh Ribbons] campaign. We will, however continue to support the Flesh Ribbons Campaign through generous donations and active marketing endeavors. It just makes me sick to see a man [Dave Abbott] so desperate as to sink to this level. I might give him a dollar just to make myself feel better... poor helpless bastard."

With an outstanding first-half of 1999 already on the books, most investors agree that this development will impact JHL in any meaningful fiscal way. Some investors have even started to hedge their portfolio in the anticipation that JHL will ultimately win this legal battle and assimilate IRU entirely.

Founded in 1999 and based in Houston, TX, Joel's Head Laboratories is the leading provider of fine Joel's Head products. Visit JHL's web site at http://www.joelshead.com.

SOURCE Joel's Head Laboratories Legal Defense Team

A NOTE TO OUR CUSTOMERS

It has always been the position of Joel's Head Laboratories to accept, review, and optionally act upon suggestions from potential corporate partners and the general public. To date, we have had fantastic success. Some of these submissions, however, are what we would consider "diamonds in the rough". The concept might be outstanding, but the execution may leave something to be desired.

We are very proud to be able to offer the public only the finest Joel's Head Laboratories brand human clone. To this end, there are times when submissions must be altered or modified in order to meet our standard of quality. Our customers expect nothing less and we're darn well gonna give it to 'em.

In early June, Joel's Head Laboratories' Vice President of Difficult Stuff and Non-Addictive Pain Killers, Greg Major was presented with this prototype sketch from JHL Primary Functional Representative and Director of Fuzzy Things and IRU's CEO Dave Abbot via e-mail...

The concept is good. They have taken the recently popular Hollywood theme of big, sinking ships, mushy love scenes, and ice with hopes to capitalize on it by using a relatively inexpensive clone. Here's what one of our senior engineers had to say regarding its construction:

"As you can clearly see, there is marked parallax shift in the cranial overlay. A quick spectral analysis on our GGT-3146 shows a distinct lack of balance between 110 and 190 degrees (it's a common beginner's mistake). Finally, a G-SUB scan of the modified quadrant gives clear evidence of unmatched tactical blending with an almost child-like delivery of mass delymination in areas L, M, and Q. Overall customer value: 4 (on a scale from 1-10 with 10 being the highest)." --R. Hentenschweiler, Grade IV Manipulation Engineer

Now let's see what our engineers did with a vaguely similar idea...

Aha! Now that's a real entertainment value! Note that instead of replacing Leo, we've replaced the over-priced head of whats-her-name. Just look at how silly that is! See that look on Leo's face? It's wacky and fun! He's enjoying himself! Who wouldn't want one of these beauties slinking around their house in skimpy lingerie? See the color matching, careful scaling, and proper perspective? That's quality cloning! Overall customer value: 11!!!

We pity the staff at IRU and their desperate attempt to cash in on the success of JHL. We would have been more than happy to work with their staff and train them on proper cranial manipulation, however, their failures are a burden that they alone must carry. We have set the industry standard with Joel's Head products and we will do what we must in order to maintain that standard so that our customers may continue to receive only the finest product available.

For more information or to find out how you can help, please write:

JHL Legal Fund
8482 West Head Circle
Houston, TX 77044