Joel's Head Laboratories

Here are Joel's Head Laboratories, we have strong commitment to our national community. We feel it's important for a company to give something back. Not little mamby-pamby projects like Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream's "Feed The Hungry" crap, either. We have a mission to make a real difference. We cut through the red tape and get results. Our first project, Mt. Rushmore, helps to solidify our public commitment and confirm our position as one of the nation's leading activist groups.

Keystone, South Dakota (AP) - Joel's Head Laboratories (JHL), in an effort to "improve and modernize our country's national parks and monuments" made a $210 million modification to Mt. Rushmore last weekend. During the course of the past two days, the multi-trillion dollar human cloning corporation added an additional profile to the four faces already there--that of their first JHL Base Model clone, JHL-001.

President Clinton spoke to the press from the White House Rose Garden early this morning in response to the surprising changes.

"I, personally, concede with every American, that we should not make such overwhelming modifications to our national monuments without some sort of national consent. These momuments belong to every American. I've personally asked the Attorney General to form a team of investigators, however, they have been unable to find any written proof that this company has performed any wrongdoing. They will continue to investigate, but there isn't much we can do at this time," President Clinton said.

His remarks reflect laws that were changed in 1939, when the monument was first constructed, that allowed grand modification of the area of rock that contains the presidents' profiles. After construction of the statues were complete, the laws were not amended so as to prohibit further modifications.

"It's a loophole," stated Secretary of the Interior Bruce Babbitt. "It's unfortunate that someone would intentionally change such an inspirational piece of American history like Mt. Rushmore. It just goes to show the type of societal decline America has exhibited in past years. Truly pitiful and shameful--I'm embarrassed for [JHL]."

When prompted for comment, JHL CEO Greg Major remarked, "We think it looks great! No one really seemed to care that this monument hadn't been updated in so long so we took matters in to our own hands. We carefully evaluated the impact of [the JHL corporation] on American society and wholeheartedly believe that we've contributed just as much as the other people represented by those huge faces up there [on Mt. Rushmore]. I think it sends a strong message that we care and that we're not going to let this sort of neglect slide. I mean, who else would you put up there? One of the guys from Sony or Panasonic? Get real!"

Legislation concerning the preservation of other national monuments is being reviewed by the Attorney General in order to prevent similar occurrences from happening in the future.

Visit the National Park Service at http://www.nps.gov. Joel's Head Laboratories, a privately-owned human cloning lab, may be reached on the Internet via http://www.joelshead.com.