(AP) November 24, 2001 - After more than two years of uncertainty
regarding the whereabouts of the Joel's Head Laboratories' Board of
Directors, Houston Police spokesman Gerald Samald reports that all
members, save JHL CEO Greg Major, have returned to their homes in
Harris County, Texas.
"They appeared just as suddenly as they disappeared," said
Samald. "We're working with the Fair Cloning Commission and prosecutors
from the city, county, state and federal government to question these
individuals. All we can say at this time is that they are well rested
and seem to be very calm and relaxed about the whole thing. It's rather
unsettling, really."
On June 8, 1999, Innovative Rasterizers Unlimited filed an injunction
against JHL claiming that JHL violated contractual agreements when
they used proprietary IRU information in one of their new clone lines.
On September 24 of that same year, the IRU/JHL trial began and continued
through early October, at which point all of the prosecution and defendants
simply disappeared without a trace and product at both the IRU and
JHL facilities came to an abrupt halt.
The case was dropped in mid-October of 1999 under federal statute
844-B.13, the much-debated "Can't Find 'Em, Can't Hang 'Em"
law passed in early October of 1999. The Federal Bureau of Investigation
was called to assist state and local investigators, but no evidence
leading to the whereabouts of any of the involved parties has been
uncovered so far.
In early March of 2000, with a recently-appointed board of their
own, IRU filed for bankruptcy and liquidated most of the company's
assets citing what they called "an inability to adequately perform
to expectations." While CEO Fredrick Fremilrich publicly expressed
his expressed his deep regret toward the
stockholders of the company, insiders wondered why IRU would perform
so poorly with JHL effectively "out of the picture". Others,
however, felt that the human clone market was headed for a fall out
that could possibly destroy the promising industry completely.
Financial analyst John Henry Lindquist attributes the fall to the
lack of consumer-based marketing since JHL shut down. "[JHL]
was notorious for their frequent television, radio, and print ads.
They were an all-out marketing juggernaut. When they abandoned the
scene, consumers were left starving for information and the drive
to purchase. Frankly, all consumer confidence was lost and demand
for human clones reached an all-time low."
With their recent reappearance, however, many analysts think the
market is headed for a rapid recovery with JHL once again taking the
lead.
Yesterday, more than two years after the trial began, a press briefing
was held at JHL world headquarters to announce that JHL was resuming
operations at its Houston and South American plants. "It's an
absolutely wonderful day to be alive and in the [expletive] cloning
business, baby! My horoscope nailed this one," said Greg Major,
CEO of Joelshead Labs speaking from an undisclosed location via a
secure satellite link. Other board members expressed their agreement
with various snorted grunts.
Members of the original IRU board of directors were also present
at the briefing, giving their blessings and offering numerous and
seemingly heartfelt apologies for "[their] heinous behavior toward
the top-notch individuals running the show at Joel's Head Laboratories."
Fremilrich went on to say, "We have brought shame to ourselves
and to the industry as a whole. We wish JHL all the best now and in
the future."
Despite what appears to be a stunning setback for IRU, some industry
analysts speculate that the bitter rivalry won't die so easily. Prof.
Hindi Jagann of the Independent Council of Human Cloning Research
said, "It's all too perfect. The [IRU] directors did not disclose
whether or not they would try to rejuvenate the IRU brand or open
cloning plants under a new name. They still have the equipment they
need to kick off production again. Something stinks in Fargo and I
don't think we've seen the end of this yet."
City of Houston officials verified that something did stink, however,
they attributed the unpleasant odor to a ruptured sewage line one
block from ICHCR headquarters.
