FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Here you will find a list of the most frequently asked questions
regarding Joel's Head Laboratories, JHL-brand clones, and the JHL
staff. Please refer to this FAQ prior to calling our Technical Support
department.
GENERAL CARE OF YOUR
JHL-BRAND BLONE
Q: What should I feed
my new JHL clone?
A: Your new clone should be kept on a liquified diet, prefereably
of raw, pureed chicken skin, Tabasco sauce, and Guinness Extra Stout
Draft for the first 12 months. After that, your clone can eat regular
food just like you and I, except that it may only consist of vitamin
A-enhanced concentrated beef tar (available directly from Joel's Head
Laboratories).
Q: What do I do if my JHL clone becomes
sick and/or begins to die?
A: Death or illness doesn't usually will not require your intervention.
If your clone is equipped with a self-destruct mechanism, you may
elect to use it at this time for a relatively "no fuss"
termination of what could be a very long, painful degredation of the
clone's cellular tissue. If not, simply stuff an old rag or wad of
paper towels in the clone's mouth, place your clone in a Hefty "Lawn
and Garden" (or equivalent) trash bag, and make arrangements
with your local sanitation department to have it removed promptly.
Q: My JHL clone seems depressed/melancholy/suicidal.
Is there anything I can do to perk it up?
A: Deactivate the Emotion Pak immediately. Call our Service Department
within 24 hours for further instructions.
Q: Where can I obtain replacement limbs/parts/accesories
for my clone? What about upgrades?
A: Replacement limbs and other parts may be ordered directly from
Joel's Head Laboratories (see the contact guide at the bottom of this
FAQ). Note that all units must be taken to a qualified service specialist
for attachment and/or upgrading of the new part(s) or you will void
the warranty.
Q: Do I need to service my JHL clone?
A: JHL clones are service-free for the first three years. In the unlikely
event that your clone does require service in that time frame or if
your clone is older than three years, however, please contact our
Customer Service department and make arrangements to have your clone
serviced by a JHL authorized service center. Failure to do so could
void your warranty. There are NO user serviceable parts inside!
Q: My clone seems to have an affinity towards
(object). What can I do to get it to stop?
A: A shock collar is available from the JHL parts line for a nominal
fee. This has proven to be the best method for teaching clones what
to like and dislike.
Q: My clone isn't making a return on my investment.
Am I doing something wrong?
A: Lack of ROI can generally be attributed to a lack of user knowledge.
There's probably nothing you can do... loser.
Q: Is my clone waterproof?
A: Most, but not all, clones are relatively watertight, submersible
to several thousand feet. However, you should consult your owner's
manual before exposing your clone to exposing it to water, high humidity,
mist, or dew of any kind (including Mountain Dew).
Q: My clone stood really close to a microwave
oven and I think it mutated. What can I do?
A: This is a relatively common problem with Series A and B clones.
Your best bet is to make use of its self-destruct mechanism immediately.
Alternatively, simply sneak out of the house in the middle of the
night and move to a continent whose name does not begin with the letter
"A". Under no circumstances should you make eye contact
with a mutated (or suspected mutated) clone.
Q: I've heard that JHL clones randomly explode.
Is this true?
A: Modern media has no concern at all for the deceitful lies and dishonest
"news" it produces. Our own research and extensive testing
has shown that JHL-brand clones are the safest clones we've ever tested--no
other clone even comes close. In fact, our tests extrapolate clones'
lifespans to be in the thousands of years. There's absolutely, positively
no way that a JHL-brand clone could randomly explode.
Q: My clone has a very unnatural fascination
with sheep. What's that all about?
A: Thanks for the great questions!
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE COMPANY
Q: Can I tour the JHL facility?
A: Tours are provided every other third Friday of the month, 8:00-8:15
pm, unless it has rained the previous day in which case the time is
moved to 2:22 am the following day.
Q: Where are you located?
A: Our main offices are located in Houston, TX.
Q: Who is Joel? Why did you choose to use
his head?
A: Joel is a rather remarkable fellow with a fabulously easy to manipulate
head. Two primary reasons led us to choose Joel's head over the thousands
of candidates available to us. One, it works suprisingly well on most
torsos. Two, we happened to have it lying around.
Q: Is the original Joel's Head still alive?
A: Contrary to popular belief, the original Joel's Head is still alive
and kicking (so to speak). JHL is proud of its rich history and we
the members of the board like to keep the original head around for
(mostly) nostalgic reasons. On occasion it even lends a helping hand.
We've found that it has a knack for web design. It even has it's own
web page at www.theknow.com!
Q: JHL seems to pride itself in its involvement
with the Flesh Ribbons Memorial Fund. What part in the FRMF does JHL
play?
A: The Flesh Ribbons Memorial Fund is, unlike the many so-called "public
service organizations" of modern day, a truely worthwhile cause.
FRMF donations go to the people who deserve the money most--companies
like Joel's Head Laboratories, who believe wholeheartedly in the advancement
of cloning science. Last year alone JHL donated more than one hundred
billion tax-free dollars to the FRMF.
Q: How do I contribute to the FRMF?
A: Donation to the FRMF is easy and multifaceted! Donations may be
made when ordering a JHL product, may be made directly to the FRMF
organization, and may be deducted directly from your savings or checking
account. An FRMF tour bus visits large cities on a regular basis,
providing literature and free demonstrations of JHL products and services;
this tour bus also accepts donations. Look for one in your city soon.
